Why social media makes break-ups so much worse

Why social media makes break-ups so much worse

LIFE STYLE

 

Many years ago I went through a horrible break-up. Even though the relationship had become toxic and damaging, and I knew intellectually that the break was best all around, I was still heartbroken.

Now, going through a break-up is bad enough, add Facebook and it becomes sheer agony.

Is anything more painful after a break-up than seeing a photograph of a loved one gazing longingly into a new loves eyes, or sharing a passionate kiss, or reading the sickening captions, "thanks to my #bestgirlfriendever for breakfast in bed this morning"?

So why torture oneself? Just block, unfriend or take a Facebook break while healing from a broken heart. Easy. And easier said than done.

Trying hard not to stalk your ex

Almost five years ago, soon after my break-up (I shall refer to my ex as X), my hand hovered over the keys of my computer. Don’t do it, I told myself, you have a choice. Just block her. I’ll block her, today, I vowed, just as soon as I’ve had one last look at her profile.

As much as I tried not to, I had a masochistic compulsion to keep checking on X’s Facebook page, even though it was sheer torture. And stupid.

It is never a good idea to look at an ex’s profile, especially if said ex posts self-pitying, distorted drivel. This is just my perspective of course and boy, in a break-up there certainly are two sides to a story, but when you do post regular updates of how awful your ex is, you are definitely trying to sway public opinion in your direction.

And trying to get under your ex's skin, because unless you’ve been blocked you know that the ex is no doubt going to read your message. It’s the modern equivalent of turning up at the same party as with your new squeeze and flashily snogging her each time you suspect your ex is watching.

You can never avoid your ex's updates

So, while you can avoid parties where you know your ex is going to be, it’s harder to avoid them on social media. Especially when certain friends seem to take a spectators glee in the whole thing: “Did you see what X posted? Oh my God. You didn’t? I’ve copy and pasted it. I’ll just sms it to you.”

So of course, when this happened I read them all.

Heart-wrenching updates such as:

“For those of you who have been asking questions, Michele and I have split up. It is a very heart-breaking time and I would like to ask you all to please leave me to grieve in peace.”

“I gave her my heart in her hands and she crushed it.”

Most of the posts directed at me were taken down, but not before a flurry of sympathetic responses:

“Oh you poor thing.” “I’m so sorry.”

“Sending you strength”; to some of the more nasty comments (from people I’ve never met) “what a bitch” go on, glass her!” (I’m not making that last one up).

Oh, the righteous indignation I felt. The sheer unfairness of it! I wanted to defend myself, to set the record straight. But to who?

Of course I could drum up my own online support, gain some cyber-sympathy, but why? The people closest to me knew the truth and that’s all that mattered.

Posting bad things about your ex

So I didn’t post anything negative targeted at X. I behaved with restraint and dignity.

Not that it was easy. There was one night that my friend Tessa, came over with a bottle of wine to give me some support and sympathy. A couple of glasses of wine later, and she was running away from me with my phone (she had already hidden my laptop, when I went for a quick wee)

“No,” she insisted you’re not drunk Facebooking. It had taken a couple of glasses of wine and a photograph on X’s profile to trash my restraint. The picture was of X at a club. A cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other, with both arms hooked around a blonde and a brunette.

All I wanted to do was post “poor X, grieving in peace.”

“Give me my phone,” I made a grab for it.

“You’ll thank me for this,” Tessa insisted holding it above her head.

I did thank her eventually and I finally blocked X from Facebook.

However, I did once, very unwisely view X’s profile via a friend’s soon after vowing not to.

When your ex has a new partner

X was now ‘in a relationship’ and judging from the pictures and posts, not just any relationship, a serious relationship. My stomach curdled as I looked at photos of X looking lovingly into the eyes of a brunette (the one who she had her arm draped around in a previous post); the two of them kissing, holding hands; laughing together.

Laughing?! What happened to the grief that she had espoused so regularly on Facebook?

Pain, jealousy, anger and heartbreak roared energetically through my entire system. And confusion; how is it possible to move on so fast when very recently you claimed to love me so much. I was still reeling from the pain and shock of our break-up and here it seemed that X was transferring an entire relationship onto someone else at such speed and with such ease.

That’s it, I decided. No more stalking exes. It’s never a good idea.

But what of all the things left unsaid. The messages I would have loved to have sent but never did.

There should be social media break-up rules

When I was a child, my mom used to tell me that if I was very angry and upset with someone, to "write them a letter. Re-read it a few days later and decide if you still want to send it."

It was good advice, and I wish that more people would use it before writing unregulated, emotional posts and pressing send. I have a drawer with many unsent letters gathering dust, because, on balance the words were best left unsaid.

The letters are also a reminder of how time can indeed heal pain. I am no longer heartbroken, jealous and angry. But boy, according to a letter I found during a recent clear-out, four years ago I really was.

In summary, I think that there should be some kind of Facebook etiquette followed post break-up. It should have rules like:

- Wait at least a few months after a break-up before posting pictures of a new loved one.

- When you do start posting, don’t post insensitive captions such as "new best family" accompanied with a photograph of you, new partner and the child you share with your ex.

- Don’t post slating messages about your ex… there could be so many more ‘’rules’’.

I think the premise should be that if you have only just recently broken up, chances are that you and your ex are still going to be pretty upset, so I think the general rule should be sensitivity. You know your ex, you know which pictures or posts are going to hurt them.

But, hey, luckily time heals and we move on. Given enough time and chances are you won't flinch when an ex posts a ring sitting in a flower with the ecstatic caption "I said yes!!"

healthandwealth Pada 10:43 Komentar

Rapists, monsters, and Bill Cosby

Rapists, monsters, and Bill Cosby

LIFE STYLE

What do you think of when you hear the word “rapist”?

For many people, the word invokes a vision similar to the one “vampire” might invoke: violence in dark alleyways - a faceless, hulking figure attacking a screaming young woman. A natural predator. A monster.

In a perfect world, these monsters wouldn’t exist, but this is not a perfect world.

And so in the same way that characters in vampire stories are reminded to carry garlic, young women are reminded not to walk alone at night, not to venture into dangerous areas, not to wear “immodest clothing”, and not to drink too much.

“If you can just follow these rules,” society claims, “The monster won’t attack you.”

Monsters like vampires are conveniently simple to understand. They’re evil for the sake of being evil. It’s in their nature.

When you view rapists this way, campaigns that talk about teaching rapists not to rape rather than teaching victims not to get raped might seem as ludicrous as a campaign teaching vampires not to drink blood.

The thing is, rapists are often not literally cold-blooded, faceless monsters who are proudly and knowingly evil. They’re people.

When Bill Cosby raped his victims, it was not at knifepoint in an alleyway. He was not a masked thug, easily recognizable as a “baddie”. This is Bill Cosby, of the iconic, wholesome, family TV show we all watched. He’s one of the most famous dads of all time.

Can any fan of his be blamed for trusting him? For being willing to spend time alone with him? For accepting when he offered them a drink?

Dozens of women have come forward to accuse him of rape or sexual assault, often after drugging them, but Bill Cosby just doesn’t fit our “faceless monster” mental image of rapist.

Perhaps this is why even now, after released court documents have revealed that Cosby admitted to drugging women for sex, the word “rape” is so often carefully avoided.

According to the New York Post, Cosby’s wife Camille believes his accusers “consented” to drugs and sex. Camille is also reported to have said, “They are making him out to be such a bad guy, a monster”.

I wonder, does Cosby see himself as a rapist? Or consider his actions “that bad”?

In an old comedy routine he describes being a 13 year old boy who hears about “Spanish Fly”, something you can put in a girl’s drink.

“From then on, man, every time you see a girl. ‘Wish I had some Spanish Fly’. Go to a party, see five girls standing along. ‘Boy if I had a whole jug of Spanish Fly, light that corner up over there. Hahahaha’.”

As the routine goes on, he describes being an adult who, with a friend, is excited to go to on a trip to Spain, because in Spain they might be able to get some “Spanish Fly”. He describes this as “our childhood dream come true”.

The joke is that they get to Spain, prepare to ask the Spanish taxi driver about “Spanish Fly”, and he turns around and asks them about “American fly”.

The undertones of this joke? All around the world, men and boys dream for a drug they can just slip into a girl’s drink, and this is charmingly amusing rather than horrifying. Boys will be boys. Ha ha.

This joke is from 1969. The earliest alleged sexual assault, in which Cosby drugged his victim, would have happened in 1965. This means a rapist stood on stage and joked about rape, and his audience laughed along with him. He never had to examine his actions or see how monstrous they were, because “boys will be boys”.

I want to talk about another rapist, one that many have found a lot easier to see as a faceless monster.

Mukesh Singh is one of six men who took part in an infamously vicious gang rape on a bus in India in 2012. They not only raped Jyoti Singh, their 23 year old victim, but they beat and penetrated her with iron rods, causing her to die of internal injuries.

In a recent interview, Mukesh said he had no regrets about the rape, largely because he felt Jyoti brought it upon herself.

As far as he’s concerned, and I quote, “A decent girl won’t roam about at 9 o’clock at night”. He also blames Jyoti for her death, claiming that “if she stayed silent and didn’t put up a fight” she’d “be alive today”.

Mukesh also wondered why people are “making a fuss” about the rape, when “everybody’s doing it”.

Apart from the fact that they’re both rapists, there’s an extremely important similarity between Cosby and Mukesh: Both seem to view their behaviour as normal. According to Cosby, all boys share this dream of one day obtaining some “Spanish Fly”. According to Mukesh, “everybody’s doing it”, and really the only person who he felt did anything bad was his victim.

This is rape culture.

This is why we need to teach boys that drugging girls is not charming and cute. This is why we need to teach men that all women deserve respect, not just so-called “decent” girls.

This is why we need to teach everyone that consent matters, and that having sex with someone without their consent, whether that person is male or female, whether you are male or female, is rape.

Rapists aren’t monsters that can be warded off by staying in at night and never being a woman who is wearing a short skirt. They’re humans, men and women, who often simply haven’t learned the lesson that rape is wrong, or even that what they’re doing is rape.

And this is why, if we genuinely want to stop rape, we need to stop teaching “don’t get raped”, and instead begin to teach “don’t rape”.

- Women24

healthandwealth Pada 15:13 Komentar

Flirting: How to do it like a pro

Flirting: How to do it like a pro

LIFE STYLE

Like me, you’ve probably read a million of these articles before. So to put a little spin on things, I’ve decided to take the expert advice and try it out on real people.

You see, when I was younger I used to think that in order to be a flirt, one had to be a successful flirt. So I thought I’d automatically be disqualified because a) I was in a long-term monogamous relationship and b) because I’m a very un-suave, rather loud and deeply, deeply silly person. Not exactly textbook Feminine Mystique Girl then.

But, as so often happens to me in life, I found out I was wrong.

Because I realised that flirting isn’t about getting people to sleep with you, or getting people to fall in love with you, or even getting people to like you.

It’s about interacting with someone in a way that shows you’re interested in interacting with them. Whether you do it for yourself, to brighten your day, or whether you do it because you’re trying to brighten someone else’s day, or whether you do it because you just can’t help yourself, it’s surprisingly seldom that true flirts have a romantic objective.

So, how does one flirt?

Well, as I’ve said, I’ve no idea, obviously, but I’ve tested the tips you always get in magazines and this is what I found…

Making eye contact

The right way: If you look into someone’s eyes when you speak to them it shows you’re interested in what they’re saying. Also, the whole looking up into someone’s eyes and then lowering your lashes actually works. It felt really contrived and I felt really stupid when I did that, but the waiter I tried it on actually blushed.

The wrong way: Heads up: some people have really nice eyes, so when you look into them it’s hard to look away. Don’t get caught in their gaze! Trust me, unless you’re newly in love or if you’re doing Iridology, don’t stare into someone’s eyes continuously. It’s weird and off-putting and unsubtle. There’s a guy at work who now actively avoids me because he thinks I'm a crazy person. 

Touching and grooming

The right way: Stroking your hair, fixing your collar, touching your face. As a person who does this anyway – and who grooms other people too (honestly, I’m like a monkey sometimes) I couldn’t really see if this worked in my favour or not.

The wrong way: Apparently women who constantly rearrange their clothes, hair and makeup come over as fidgety and insecure. Which is not cool obviously. But hey, rather come over as insecure than have your boobs pop out or your jeans fall down. But that’s just me.

Smiling

The right way: Smile when you mean it. People smile back with their eyes. 

The wrong way: Smile like you mean it. People smile back with their mouths.

Touching your mouth 

The right way: You want to draw attention to your mouth to show it’s pretty, sexy, kissable. I did this over dinner the other night and my date asked me: “Are you flirting with me?” Which I guess counts as a win?

The wrong way: You don’t want to look as if you have something stuck in your teeth. As he later asked me: “Do you have something stuck in your teeth?”

Touching 

The right way: A slight non-intrusive touch on a neutral body part. I generally do this when I’m sober. I’ve noticed that people don’t mind it at all and I think it helps with the bonding of friends.

The wrong way: Don’t be over-familiar. Putting your hand on someone’s thigh – no matter how kindly you mean it – is over-familiar. This usually happens when I’m drunk and it has two equally unwanted responses: a) a person immediately thinks you’re coming on to them and they’re flattered, or b) a person immediately thinks you’re coming on to them and they’re horrified. As I said, equally mortifying.

So there you go. My little experiment in a nutshell.

Follow me on Twitter, here so that I can practice my flirting skills with you.

- Women24

healthandwealth Pada 15:11 Komentar

Sex tips for normal bodies

Sex tips for normal bodies

LIFE STYLE

 

Make gravity work for you

Every woman should know how to drape her body to its best advantage. Plump girls know they look great draped horizontally across tumbled sheets. Skinny girls look wickedly sexy sitting back on their heels. You know your angle – so use it. Worried about your tummy? Lie on your back! Small boobs? Don’t lie on your back! And so on.

You don’t have to be beautiful to be erotic

Sexy is not to be confused with pretty. In fact, the opposite is often true. Now is not the time to worry about your hair or make-up. Sweaty, dishevelled, flushed, wicked, desperate… now that works.

Just because you’re not standing doesn’t make it less urgent or less sexy

I know so many women who are unhappy because they wish they were thin enough to wrap their legs around their partners and have crazy stand-up sex. Some things, like comedy and cooking work better standing. Sex isn’t one of them, so just let it go.

You don’t HAVE to face each other

If you’re feeling and looking a little worse for the wear in the morning, don’t fret. Just turn around. Spoon sex is great and you don’t have to worry about your wrinkles in the harsh light of day or your less than minty fresh breath.

On the chubby side?

Being overweight doesn’t mean that your sex life has to suffer. There ARE ways – and positions – that will help you achieve maximum pleasure.

Don’t believe me? Check out this full-bodied sex position that will leave you wanting to rip your clothes off in no time!

Try positions that focus on sensitivity rather than capability

Let’s be honest. Some positions are best suited for endurance freaks who probably missed their gruelling gym session and now, overwhelmed with guilt, want to punish themselves by performing moves that will make even Arnie feel a bit embarrassed.

Instead of attempting the bizarre and some downright stupid sex positions, try something slow and sensual that guarantees clitoral stimulation.

healthandwealth Pada 17:38 Komentar

A smile can lead to new relationships

A smile can lead to new relationships

LIFE STYLE

 

A genuine smile may help you form a new friendship or romantic partnership, a new study suggests.

Drawn to positive feelings

That's because people seem to respond much better to positive emotions when forming new personal bonds than to negative vibes such as sadness, anger or contempt, according to the researchers.

However, don't try to fake a smile to win someone over, because people can easily identify whether a smile is sincere.

In one experiment, the researchers found that dating couples could accurately track their partners' positive emotions. A second experiment found that participants tended to feel closer to strangers who displayed positive emotions, and were drawn to positive feelings almost instinctively.

The investigators also found that people display positive emotions with a so-called Duchenne smile, which involves simultaneous movement of two facial muscles around the eyes and cheeks and primarily occurs when people are sincere and happy.

Others see this type of smile as sincere and it helps with social bonding. People are highly aware of this type of smile and are good at "reading" a fake smile," according to study leader Belinda Campos of the University of California, Irvine.

The study was published recently in the journal Motivation and Emotion.

"Our findings provide new evidence of the significance of positive emotions in social settings and highlight the role that positive emotions display in the development of new social connections. People are highly attuned to the positive emotions of others and can be more attuned to others' positive emotions than negative emotions," Campos said in a journal news release.

healthandwealth Pada 10:45 Komentar

Realistic sex dolls will soon be able to talk!

Realistic sex dolls will soon be able to talk!

LIFE STYLE

If you've always dreamed of taking Barbie to bed, your wishes have finally come true! A U.S company, RealDoll, is currently producing a customisable, life-size sex doll that will be able to blink, open its mouth and even talk.

Matt McCullen, the creator of RealDoll has been producing realistic sex dolls for almost a decade, completely customising the dolls' skin, hair and eye colour and even their body type to suit a customer's specific needs, The New York Times reports. The current RealDoll's don't come cheap. Entry level dolls start at around R60 000 with fully customised dolls costing up to R125 000.

Now McCullen believes that there is a market for more sophisticated, robotic sex dolls that can behave more like a real person. His California-based company has busy assembled a team of robotics specialists to work on the project, currently dubbed Realbotix, The Independent explains.

The team is hard at work, finding ways to animate the doll, ultimately creating a more authentic experience for the user. The idea is that the doll will be able to talk, moan and make other sounds to indicate that it is enjoying the sexual encounter just as much as his or her human partner!

Their initial aim is to create a robotic head that can be attached to the body of the current RealDoll. The robotic head will cost around R125 000 and should be available within the next two years. McCullen then hopes to produce a doll that also has a robotic body - allowing it to gyrate its hips during moments of pleasure. However, these dolls will be reserved for those with deep wallets - McCullen expects to sell them for over R700 000!

RealDoll has something for every adult. If you're not into Barbie, you can choose a male or transgendered dolls instead. You can also buy clothing, accessories and wigs for your doll. If your doll suffers a bedroom-related injury, do not fear. You can purchase an at-home repair kit to get it the medical attention it requires.

Curious as to see what one of these dolls may actually look like? Meet Kaori and Brooklyn (yes, these are dolls, not real women!)

healthandwealth Pada 14:03 Komentar